I don’t want to die.

by unfinishedthinking

I don’t want to die.

I’m not afraid of death.  I’m not exactly angry at cancer or death.  (Maybe I am sometimes.)  There are just so many things I want to do. 

Jason and I got into one of our political debates a couple of nights ago.  He’s so smart and passionate and powerful when he’s arguing.  I give politicians I like the benefit of the doubt.  Jason’s tougher on them—he points out the times they’ve disappointed us.  Neither of us ever gives in—neither of us ever thinks we’re wrong.  The arguments get more pointed.  It gets uncomfortable at times.  God, I love it.  I want to continue those debates forever.

Ginny wants to tell me Ella stories—I could listen to them all night long.  She wants to show me what she’s planning for Beacon, but I’m hopelessly lost when faced with blueprints.  I want to go with her to Beacon.  And to the movies.  And to dinners with friends. i want to hold hands while we watch tv shows. I want to be a big part of her life forever.

I want to work forever.  I want to spend time with interesting people.  I want to have guy weekends.  I want to vote against Eric Cantor.  I want to try the new restaurants. I want to lead a new business pitch for the agency.  I want to wake up in the morning knowing I have too much on my schedule for the day.  I want to live.

Today hasn’t been horrible, but I haven’t felt great.  I don’t usually feel sorry for myself.  Today I do a little.  I don’t want to die.

I’ll be better tomorrow. 

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